Placebos Are Us! » For Guys

Better Putt Performance

admin — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 18:16:28 +0000

If you can’t put the ball into the hole once you get it onto the green you’re never going to be successful at golf. Since 90% of golf is mental (the other 90% is having the right clubs, and the last 90% is the idiots you’re playing with messing up your performance), why not rely on these, the finest golf putting performance placebos on the market to improve your putting accuracy and distance?

Taken as directed, each bottle should last at least twelve full rounds of 18 holes, or more if you take them less often and less if you compulsively eat the whole bottle on the fourth hole.

Motivation Pills

admin — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 23:55:35 +0000

A famous man once said “Getting started is 90% of the work.” We don’t know who, because we just heard it and can’t be bothered to look it up. But, it’s probably true, and so we’ve developed these motivational placebos which could help you or someone you’re concerned about get past the initial hump of any project.

Taken as directed, daily, we think it’s just possible that these could turn a Beetle Bailey into some other, successful cartoon character.

Math is not Hard

admin — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 23:49:44 +0000

Ever since Barbie famously uttered the phrase “Math is hard”, well, it’s been all downhill for addition and multiplication, to say nothing of the ratios or derivation. Today, even respected politicians ( ha! ) and intellectuals seem to be down on math, and that’s too bad.

To rectify this situation, we are happy to provide these “Math is not Hard” pills. Through the miracle of the placebo effect, and possibly some math tutoring from someone versed in the art of symbolic manipulation, math no longer needs to seem as difficult.

Language Learner

admin — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 23:46:31 +0000

In the old days, it was sufficient to know how to write code in machine code or in FORTRAN, or, heaven-forbid, COBOL in order to make a good living working at a desk in an air conditioned building. Then, along came C, and C++, and Pascal, and BASIC. Sure, some folks used LISP and SmallTalk, but they were pointy headed academics or underpaid grad students.

Now, you need to know all of those, and Perl and PHP and Ruby and Erlang and Scala, and who knows what else wil get invented this week. You practically need a second page for your resume just to list them all, and you’ve made O’Reilly rich buying those stupid animal books for whatever new language some drunken grad student dreamed up.

Our pills can help. When folks ask “Do you know ___”, and name some language you’ve never heard of, just say “I take ‘Language Learner’ pills; I’m can pick thet up in an afternoon.” It’s not true, but the folks hiring you don’t really care, since you’ll be actually writing all your code in C or Visual BASIC anyway.

Inner Peace

admin — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 23:44:35 +0000

Often, finding the joy in ordinary life requires a life of contemplation and meditation as well as a desire to learn from and accept the limitations of others.

But, not if you get these, Inner Peace Pills, which may enable you to achieve the happiness and serenity of the Dali Lama by simply taking them each day as directed. And, if they don’t work, well, you can take out your frustrations on the idiots who sold you these placebos and said they’d work wonders even though, since they’re a placebo, they should have no measurable effect one way or the other whatsoever.

Handsome Up!

admin — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 23:41:54 +0000

Let’s face it, we can’t all be George Clooney. Heck, only one of us can be George Clooney, and odds are it isn’t you. But, to help you out with impressing the opposite gender, or whatever gender you’re hoping to impress, we offer our “Handsome Up!” placebos. We don’t know of any reason taking these pills would actually change how handsome you are, but there is alway that 30% effectiveness magic of the placebo effect, and maybe if you just think you’re handsome that will help you deal with the inevitable rejection.

Get Things Done

admin — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 23:39:44 +0000

Dave Allen has produced a fabulous set of books about techniques, tips, and ways to change your life and habits in order to more quickly Get-Things-Done. They’ve worked for a lot of people, but they do require effort, and because of that his techniques and ideas aren’t for everyone. I’d say more, but I’ve never gotten around to reading his book.

For the rest of us, try our Get-Things-Done placebos. They probably don’t actually work, but they might, and they’re really inexpensive and taste great too! Each bottle contains a 30 day supply of “Get-Things-Done” placebos, although if you don’t actually think to take them every day (and, let’s face it, that’s a strong possibility) they’ll last longer. If it’s late December and you’re looking to do something to change your life come January 1st, we recommend you get the 90 day supply.

Clowns! Clowns!

admin — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 23:28:18 +0000

Some people in this world like to dress up in floppy shoes and poorly fitting clothes, wearing flowers which squirt you when you try to smell them, and covering their faces with paint and garish smiles. These people are clowns. Some people don’t like them, and it’s for this second group which we developed this product. Actual sufferers of coulrophobia, an irrational or exaggerated fear of clowns, likely won’t get a lot of benefit out of these placebos. However, if you’ve got a regular old somewhat rational fear of clowns — like, say, Bozo the Clown tried to run you over when you were 9, or at least you seem to remember something like that happening, although it may have been a dream because you got away from Bozo by flying and eventually ended up in math class naked — then these “Clowns! Clowns!” placebos may be perfect for you, since they’ll help you convince your reticent subconscious that you’re doing something about all the evil clowns in the world.

Blog Better

admin — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 23:24:34 +0000

Let’s face it, most blogs are kind of boring, aren’t terribly current, and probably have too many pictures of cats on them. Writing good content, every day, about something that people want to read about is hard. Those folks who can do it deserve our praise and thanks.

For the rest of us, we’ve got these placebos. Sure, they probably won’t help you write more often, but maybe if you can remember to take them every day then you’ll also remember to post something about whatever comes into your mind. Or, at least, a picture of your cat.