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Placebos

Better Putt Performance

Every golfer knows that without a good game on the green you can’t hope to win.  But, putting is, well, to put it delicately, really hard.  I mean, the ball is so small, and your putter is also quite small, and sometimes the ground isn’t quite flat, and I don’t want to go into all the ways that the wind messes up your shot causing you to double bogey.

But, these “Better Putt Performance” placebos guarantee that your golf game on the green will improve (or it won’t).  We have scientists in real lab coats who investigate stuff like this and they’ve assured us that these pills, together with something called the placebo effect, will lead to a 3-5 stroke reduction in your overall score.

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Better Taste in Men

Picking a good guy is always tough. Sure, the bad ones are exciting, and the good ones are often nebbish. However, you don’t need to put up with a man who demeans you, makes you pay for everything, or who has never heard about the little man in the boat. You deserver a better man.

Our “Better Taste in Men” placebos may help you to be more discerning while out dancing, or drunk, or both, and less likely to bring home a jobless, alcoholic, misogynistic lump who you’ll be embarassed to wake up next to, to say nothing about taking home to meet your mom. They are a placebo, but sometimes magic happens.

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Bigger Boobs

It’s sad that these days many women seem to be judged by the size of their breasts.  We at Placebo Labs are firmly in the camp that women, and indeed all people, should be judged by the content of their character and their past and future actions.  We’re practically a younger, less-good-in-the-writing-skills Gloria Stienem.

But, until the world comes around to our point of view, sometimes it may be necessary for you chicks out there to make people think that you have bigger boobies than you, in point of fact, actually have.  Surgery is expensive, and rather permanent.  You can get those silicone things from Victoria’s Secret, but they have this annoying tendency to shift at the most inopportune moments.

Or, you could take our pills.  Sure, since they’re placebos they likely won’t do anything to make your breast any bigger, but the truth is you don’t need that — they’re beautiful the way they are and anyone who says otherwise should have their back up against the wall come the next revolution — and instead what you need is a little confidence.  Our pills don’t provide that either, but they do look rather fetching there in your medicine cabinet and would be a great way to startle anyone who goes snooping around in your bathroom.

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Clowns! Clowns!

Some people in this world like to dress up in floppy shoes and poorly fitting clothes, wearing flowers which squirt you when you try to smell them, and covering their faces with paint and garish smiles. These people are clowns. Some people don’t like them, and it’s for this second group which we developed this product. Actual sufferers of coulrophobia, an irrational or exaggerated fear of clowns, likely won’t get a lot of benefit out of these placebos. However, if you’ve got a regular old somewhat rational fear of clowns — like, say, Bozo the Clown tried to run you over when you were 9, or at least you seem to remember something like that happening, although it may have been a dream because you got away from Bozo by flying and eventually ended up in math class naked — then these “Clowns! Clowns!” placebos may be perfect for you, since they’ll help you convince your reticent subconscious that you’re doing something about all the evil clowns in the world.

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Get Things Done!

Dave Allen has produced a fabulous set of books about techniques, tips, and ways to change your life and habits in order to more quickly Get-Things-Done. They’ve worked for a lot of people, but they do require effort, and because of that his techniques and ideas aren’t for everyone.  I’d say more, but I’ve never gotten around to reading his book.

For the rest of us, try our Get-Things-Done placebos. They probably don’t actually work, but they might, and they’re really inexpensive and taste great too! Each bottle contains a 30 day supply of “Get-Things-Done” placebos, although if you don’t actually think to take them every day (and, let’s face it, that’s a strong possibility) they’ll last longer. If it’s late December and you’re looking to do something to change your life come January 1st, we recommend you get the 90 day supply.

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Handsome Up!

Let’s face it, we can’t all be George Clooney. Heck, only one of us can be George Clooney, and odds are it isn’t you. But, to help you out with impressing the opposite gender, or whatever gender you’re hoping to impress, we offer our “Handsome Up!” placebos. We don’t know of any reason taking these pills would actually change how handsome you are, but there is alway that 30% effectiveness magic of the placebo effect, and maybe if you just think you’re handsome that will help you deal with the inevitable rejection.

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Inner Peace

Often, finding the joy in ordinary life requires a life of contemplation and meditation as well as a desire to learn from and accept the limitations of others.

But, not if you get these, Inner Peace Pills, which may enable you to achieve the happiness and serenity of the Dali Lama by simply taking them each day as directed. And, if they don’t work, well, you can take out your frustrations on the idiots who sold you these placebos and said they’d work wonders even though, since they’re a placebo, they should have no measurable effect one way or the other whatsoever.

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Monster Repellent Pills

Most children are naturally immune to the effects of monsters, including the closet monster, the under-the-bed monster, and the dreaded spooky-noise-at-night monster. However, in some children this natural immunity sometimes runs low, and so these all-natural “Monster Repellent” pills can help boost this immunity and keep the consumer safe.

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Motivation Pills

A famous man once said “Getting started is 90% of the work.” We don’t know who, because we just heard it and can’t be bothered to look it up. But, it’s probably true, and so we’ve developed these motivational placebos which could help you or someone you’re concerned about get past the initial hump of any project.

Taken as directed, daily, we think it’s just possible that these could turn a Beetle Bailey into some other, successful cartoon character.

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Virus Vanquisher!

Modern medical science says that there isn’t much that can be done to combat a viral infection, like the flu.  Bah!  Modern medicine.  What has it ever done for us, other than extend the average lifespan from the mid thirties up till the mid seventies?  Your doctor will tell you to get lots of rest, drink plenty of fluids, and try to stay away from people to avoid spreading whatever creeping crud you might have.

What you need is the finest virus vanquishing placebo on the market today, and we’re glad to sell them to you.  Sure, they probably won’t help, but since the flu or cold you have will probably go away in 3-7 days whether you do anything about it or not, when you take these and see that you recover it will only strengthen your belief in the power of the placebo effect.

Contains the same active ingredient as Airborne™, but we’re quite a bit cheaper, so we’ve got that going for us too.

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